5 Things That Are NOT a Substitute for a Dentist 😬

Yesterday TOM stood in front of his toolbox with a toothache and a growing sense that he could handle this himself. You redirected him to 111. He got to an emergency dentist. He is fine. But Chapter 3 raised a question worth answering properly: why don't any of the folk remedies actually work? And what do people try that dentists most wish they wouldn't?

This is that post. Five things — all of which have been tried, by TOM and by real humans throughout recorded history — that are not a dentist and cannot do what a dentist does.

1) The classic ---Pliers 🔧

🍡 TOM's reasoning

"The tooth needs to come out. The pliers grip things and pull them out. This is a straightforward application of an existing tool."

Adult teeth are anchored to the jawbone by periodontal ligament fibres — not simply wedged in like a nail. Attempting to pull one without proper technique and anaesthetic risks shattering the tooth (leaving infected fragments behind), damaging the surrounding teeth and gum, causing serious bleeding, and in worst cases, jaw injury. A dentist uses elevators, forceps, and local anaesthetic for a reason. Pliers are none of those things.

❌ Verdict: Creates a significantly worse problem than the one it was supposed to solve.

2) The folk remedy ---Whiskey on the gum 🥃

🍡 TOM's reasoning

"My grandfather swore by this. It numbs things. I have also heard it kills germs. This seems medically comprehensive."

There is a grain of truth here — alcohol does have a very brief, very mild numbing effect on soft tissue. This is why the myth persists. But the numbing is superficial and short-lived, it does not reach the nerve causing the pain, and applying alcohol to already inflamed gum tissue can irritate it further. It treats nothing, resolves nothing, and once the effect wears off the pain returns — often intensified. TOM's grandfather was wrong. TOM's tooth still hurts.

❌ Verdict: 90 seconds of mild relief followed by the same pain, possibly worse.

3) The cartoon method---String tied to a door handle 🚪

🍡 TOM's reasoning

"I have seen this done in at least four animated programmes. It appeared to work every time. I have a door. I have string. I have the knowledge."

The string-and-door method has a narrow legitimate use case: milk teeth that are already loose to the point of nearly falling out on their own. For those, it is occasionally effective (if not particularly pleasant). For adult teeth with toothache — which are fully rooted and not loose at all — it will simply yank the gum, potentially damage the tooth, and leave the original problem entirely intact. The cartoons were working with different biology.

❌ Verdict: Works in zero out of zero adult toothache situations.

4) The intuitive one---Aspirin pressed directly on the tooth 💊

🍡 TOM's reasoning

"Aspirin relieves pain. The pain is in the tooth. I will put the aspirin where the pain is. This is targeted medicine."

This one sounds logical — which is precisely why it's on this list. Aspirin works by being absorbed into the bloodstream, where it has a systemic anti-inflammatory effect. Placing it directly on a tooth does not accelerate this process. What it does do is cause a chemical burn to the soft gum tissue it contacts — aspirin is an acid, and holding it against the gum long enough to "treat" the tooth produces a white, painful ulcer. Swallow aspirin with water. Do not apply it topically.

❌ Verdict: Trades toothache for a gum burn. TOM has done both simultaneously.

5) The optimistic one---Waiting for it to go away on its own 🤞

🍡 TOM's reasoning

"My body has fixed things before without my involvement. The knee recovered. The back recovered. Teeth are part of the body. I will give it a week."

Unlike the knee and the back, dental infections do not resolve on their own — they progress. A dental abscess left untreated spreads into surrounding tissue, can affect the jaw, and in serious cases can spread to the throat or airway, where it becomes a genuine medical emergency. "It might go away" is the most dangerous approach on this list because it feels the most reasonable. It is not reasonable. The week TOM waits is the week the infection advances.

❌ Verdict: The only item on this list that can escalate to a 999 situation.

🦷 TOM's post-dentist reflection

"In my defence, I tried them in order of least to most drastic. The whiskey was first. The pliers were a last resort. I feel this shows growth and a methodical approach to problem-solving."

— TOM, Can You Save TOM? 50 Hilarious Survival Scenarios, Chapter 3

What Actually Works (One More Time, For TOM)

🦷 The correct response to dental pain

Call 111 for out-of-hours dental referral. Take ibuprofen (if suitable for you) or paracetamol as directed for pain relief. Clove oil on the affected area with a cotton bud provides brief, genuine topical relief. A cold compress on the outside of the cheek can reduce swelling. Get to a dentist as soon as possible — do not wait for the pain to resolve on its own.

💡 The one thing that actually saves TOM in Chapter 3

You. Specifically you, redirecting TOM away from the toolbox and toward 111. The dentist found an abscess. Antibiotics, a temporary dressing, and a follow-up appointment. TOM kept all his teeth. This was entirely your doing.

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